Shiva Nata: the Dance of ShivaDance of Shiva and a healing epiphany.
Not just science. Magic, too.
Remember Eileen from Soul Sleuthing and her fabulous guest post about science?
Well, she’s back to share some more intimate, emotional understandings that she’s gotten from her Shiva Nata practice.
And some magic too.
Yay.
– Havi
Science, but also magic.
Okay, now that I have fed science to the logical side of my brain, let’s hope it stays out of the way so I can let my airy-fairy side narrate this part…
The truth is Shiva Nata is magic.
Here’s an example. A hard, complicated, real-life example.
For a large portion of my adult life I engaged in what you might call unhealthy relationship patterns.
To be blunt, I would cheat on whatever relationship I was in. I hurt myself and I hurt others around me, yet I felt like I couldn’t stop myself. It sucked.
By last fall I hadn’t actually engaged in this behavior in over six years.
But I still felt as if I had to be constantly on guard. Like I had to use all of my willpower to avoid doing it again. I still thought of myself as the type of person who does this. (By the way, if you ever want to feel really bad about yourself it’s helpful to completely identify with behavior you hate.)
And then the shift.
One day after lots of ungraceful flailing with the Dance of Shiva, I laid down in my savasana-meditation.
Two memories immediately flashed into my brain:
Age 32: My mom has come to visit me in the town where I live.
We walk to my favorite independent coffee shop, but when we get there we see my dad’s car in the parking lot. He has dropped by to see if I’m there, not knowing that my mom is in town.
My mom and I instead go across the street to Starbucks in order to avoid a confrontation.
Age 6: I am sitting in my little sister’s bedroom with my mom and my sister.
My parents are getting divorced and my dad has returned to the house to move his stuff out. My dad is downstairs with my uncle.
I would like to go downstairs to see my dad, but I understand that we’re hiding-out upstairs in order to avoid a confrontation.
What these memories have in common…
Well, avoiding conflict between my parents for one.
But on an emotional level there is a lot more. A yearning for love from two sources.
A feeling of guilt for identifying with one side or the other. A sense that wanting and receiving love from one is a betrayal of the other. A feeling of shame about these desires.
How might an adult woman re-create this pattern over and over in her life?
Oh. Riiiight.
Healing.
I’m not one who can productively talk myself through super-deep stuff so I packed all this up and brought it to my therapist.
The weird (and wonderful) thing about true healing, from clean pain, is that it’s not super-complicated. I went to a safe environment and felt it all very deeply, with someone who could guide me through what I was feeling and say the appropriate things.
It hurt a lot, but it ended.
The calculation.
Total time spent healing: approximately 25 minutes.
Total time spent avoiding healing: 28 years.
This all seems pretty pat and obvious to me now that I can tie it up in this little package like so, but it’s something that I spent years hating myself for.
Shiva Nata literally scrambled my brain and allowed me to make these deep and hidden connections.
In fact, I truly believe this healing process would have taken way longer if I had not been working with Dance of Shiva (if it would have happened at all, which I kind of doubt).
This was within one month of practicing rather spottily. These days I’m a little more regular with my practice because I enjoy the benefits so much. It’s like getting a massage for my brain. But I still only practice ten minutes a day or less.
So yes, magic. (Plus science! interjects my rational brain…)
Thanks, Eileen for this brave, powerful story.
And for such a perfect application of some of the kinds of epiphanies and realizations that can emerge from the practice in a very spontaneous way. Love it.
Eileen, thank you for sharing this moving story of healing and reshaping a pattern that must have been incredibly painful when you were tangled in it. Your honesty and willingness to go into the depths to retrieve lost treasure inspires me.
Dance of Shiva is powerful indeed. And you are the power and beauty that brings it to life.
Love, Hiro
Hiro Bogas last blog post..The Art of Belonging–Happy Birthday, Canada!
What an amazing post! Thanks so much for sharing from your heart, Eileen.
I had a funny thought while reading…have you read the Harry Potter series? Your experiences of Shiva Nata making connections with memories reminded me of the way Dumbledore used the pensieve to stir up his memories and make useful connections.
http://harrypotter.wikia.com/wiki/Pensieve
So Shiva Nata is like your own personal pensieve! Ok, that may only be cool for me, lol, but perhaps you’ll get a kick out of it too.
Leahs last blog post..Wreck This Journal with Smooshy Paint!
Twitter: havi
@Leah – ohmygod, that is so funny that you mention that! The entire Harry Potter series was *full* of Dance of Shiva moments and associations for me!
The pensieve … and also quidditch. And also learning how to use your powers and control them when they’re new and weird. And also hidden rooms and spaces that other people can’t see. And and and.
So you have no idea how happy I am not to be the only person to be making these associations! Yay.
@Hiro – yes! What you said! Eileen is amazing and the practice is amazing and all the stuff that comes from it too. And all the people it touches. Wow.
@Leah and Havi–wow, I read the Harry Potter books back when they first came out…many, many years before finding dance of shiva. I loved them then but you have inspired me to dig back in. The pensieve! That’s totally it! I only have a vague recollection of it but now I am jazzed to read it again :)
@Hiro Thank you thank you for your kind words, my dear! :)
Eileens last blog post..Gumshoe’s Guide to Getting off the Couch (Introduction)
Dearest Eileen,
I just think you are so utterly and deeply wonderful.
Thank you for sharing your story of healing. It is potent and powerful.
You=amazing.
Big love,
Leonie
Goddess Leonies last blog post..Goddess Allsorts: Brought to you by poo edition
Dear Eileen,
I’ve only just started my Shiva Nata practice. I haven’t had any ‘bing’ moments yet but I’m hoping!
I think you are very brave to write so openly about your own ‘hot buttered insights’ and I thank you for sharing them.
Many thanks,
Kate
Just reading this gives me hope that I too can heal. I’m 48 I’ve been dodging mine a long time. I thought I had come to terms but when I read these wonderful blogs, I realize I may just be fooling myself. Kudos to you all for making me laugh, cry, and giggle just when I need to. Ya’ll are the best.
I’m not into Harry Potter (yet).
I will be into Shiva Nata (soon).
Thanks Eileen
Oh. My. I can’t believe I read this today.
Eileen, I have had a similar life-long issue.. almost every relationship I’ve been in was begun before the first one ended. And then some in between. And while I’ve been married for the last 20 years, this pattern hadn’t really ended. Nothing physical, but several intense emotional entanglements, the most recent being the most painful, and I still am stuck.
I’ve had a suspicion that there is some deep unconscious connection there between most recent man and my dad, and JUST today, after my shiva nata practice, it occurred to me that this stuckness in anger with this guy may be some kind of substitute for the anguish I’ve not been able to access around my dad leaving when I was 10 months old. I’ve never been able to summon up any kind of negative emotion around that.
And then what you wrote: “A yearning for love from two sources.”
Wow. A whole ‘nuther thing to consider…
Sorry for the long comment. My head has been blown apart.
Thank you for your openness, Eileen….
Ginas last blog post..Musings